How to Develop Relationships: Like Cooking Food
This applies to any kind of social interaction: friendships, family, dating, whatever. The more you share about yourself and the more someone shares about themselves, the closer and better your relationship gets. But you shouldn’t share your most vulnerable feelings immediately. If you share so much about yourself so quickly and so openly, it devalues what you’re sharing. Plus if it’s a relatively new relationship and you’re so open, instead of connecting with someone, you just scare them away. The same thing if you ask people deep questions right away, people might think you’re being too intrusive. Sex is a pretty deep thing to share. Girls who are too quick to have sex just seem whory and desperate. And if you ask a girl for sex the moment you meet her, she’ll slap you in the face.
But you can share your deepest feelings, and you can get anyone to tell you anything about themselves, just not right away. You should develop a relationship like cooking food, if you turn the high heat on right away, you’ll burn the food.
So what should you do instead? Turn the heat on slowly. For someone you just met, don’t get right into deep, emotional topics. Start with some small talk, some basic introductory questions: what do you do (school or work), what are your interests, where do you live, how is it like there whatever. Once they seem comfortable, turn the heat up higher into slightly hotter topics: what are your life’s goals, how is your family like, what do you look for in a relationship. And then once that part’s sufficiently heated, and the person is more comfortable, then you can get to the deepest topics: mental health issues, vulnerabilities, traumatic experiences in the past etc.
For physical interaction in a date, it’s the same concept: you go from talking to light touching to making out to sex.
Now the thing about different people, is that everyone has different boiling points. Some people can be incredibly open about their deepest experiences in the first meetup, while some people you need weeks or months before they open up to you. As you interact with more people, you’ll develop an instinct about who and when you can start asking deep questions, and if someone is valuable enough to want to learn about, even if it takes awhile, they’ll eventually open up.
And of course, you should be willing to share your own painful experiences and vulnerabilities. Of course, don’t share it to people who are judgemental assholes who don’t deserve it. But if it’s with someone good and your relationship has developed where it’s appropriate, share your struggles, your pain in life. Don’t let fear of judgment or trauma get in the way of establishing a connection. The more open you are with someone, the more open they’ll be with you. In dating life, that is literal.
With this technique, I’ve had plenty of people praise me about how they’ve never shared stories about their past, or they’ve never opened themselves up like this to anyone, until they met me. That’s one of the proudest compliments I’ve ever had.
Everyone wants to have someone to be vulnerable with, to share their deepest feelings and experiences, but rarely do they find someone they’re comfortable enough to do so. Be that person, develop the skills to gain that trust and supply that comfort, and you can get anyone to tell you anything.